Frostbitten

 

If you can’t fall in love with the coldness of the northern barren land,

Don’t ever dream of finding me – I am a frostbite.

I won’t be gentle like the warm summer land.

I am an angry blizzard, nothing can stop me,

I am millions of snowflakes – beautiful yet dangerously frigid.

If you go out in the middle of this storm,

You won’t stop shivering, it’s an iced place,

Your breath is stopping, your heartbeat’s getting slow.

…

There are snow days and rainy days but they aren’t mine.

If you are used to the warmness of the spring or summer

This squall of mine is not your safe space.

Let’s not forget the thunderstorms of my soft mouth,

They are as scary as those outside when the sky is dark

And the only light you see is the lightning striking on the same place.

…

If you can’t fall in love with the coldness of the northern barren land,

Never show your face before me, you are not worthy

Of the complexity of such harsh ground.

Run, my gentle boy, run…

There isn’t any warmth left from the summer sun,

It is a frozen place long forgotten, extra crude.

I am not a coast for lost weaklings,

Longing for new beginnings and to find new hope.

I am not the last stop for the cowards,

Aiming to be the new heroes written in those boring glorious songs.

I am the Monster who slays them and then leave them to freeze alone!

The Oldest Vow - Destruction

 

Tear me down like an old piece of clothing. I only feel alive when the pain is unbearing and rough. I love the way it hurts every part of mind and body. Make me suffer so deeply and when I gather all of me to feel different, new unfamiliar version of old self. What is coming after I reach the deepest end of losing all I am? I have never been there – the last straw, my breaking point. I want to experience this situation when my soul is only dust and ashes. Keep torturing me, this is my most sacred wish, don’t stop in the middle of the job – serve me right.

Why have you become so silent, so suddenly? Is there something wrong I have said? Is it so hard to be executioner I have been looking for? Why stopping now – it is almost done. Should I beg you every time a doubtful thought crosses your mind? You have said you can do it, you promised. Why now? Why?

Why are you bending your head as if it is a heavy basket which you need to carry for ages? Why are you so distant out of the blue? Is it my wording or the inability to understand that sometimes you need to kill what makes you YOU and then start to rebuild? Aren’t we the forgers of our own path, seeking creatives ways to destroy our weakness in order to gain our inner power? What is wrong; what have I done?

Look at me, tell me what I hate to hear; share your disdain towards my wishes. Tell me what monster I have become. Believe me, I can understand the judgement in your statements. I have been so in touch with what other want from me but I have failed to grasp what I really need, so please destroy me. Obliterate the light I have been carrying all my life and throw me into the deepest darkness so I can be reborn.

Do you want to know how much we are alike? The unwavering desire to fix those around you, the determination to follow what make you feel happy, the unstoppable willingness to change if something you perceive is wrong. But hear me out, I am tired, all these senses and thoughts are not serving my purpose. Just finish the job I gave you, just one last time and afterwards we are done.

Tear my soul down, burn my feelings like a witch at the stake – hear my screams. Annihilate the last drop of goodness in my heart and then you are free to go. Don’t dare to give me even a sliver of the kindness you possess; this is not what I am hoping for.

….

Like a phoenix, I am everything and nothing; old and new at the same time. You and I – old acquaintances bound by unbreakable vows, we keep destroying each other so that we grow and harvest our own potential. Unfortunately, after every kill one of us getting weaker until the inner strength is achieved. Like the sun and the moon, we are never in sync – one is pushing back and the other is playing God. I am sorry my old friend, I lied again. You are going to keep facing me until you realize that your greatest demise is to feel pity when you need to be cold-hearted if you really want to survive.

Can You Feel Her?

 

When did you ask yourself if you have really been supported by those you call loved ones? When was the last time you really look around and was unable to feel that odd feeling warning you for her return? When??? Why there isn’t any devilish sparkle in your eyes? Why are you so incapable of sensing this poisonous sensation? Are you really blind? Or maybe you have been looking for Her on purpose? What makes you lose yourself into her cold flames? Are you so desperate for Her numbing embrace?

Being the victim of your own self - absorbing pride and emotional disassociation is your true nature – no warmness in the voice – just anger; love or hate – it doesn’t matter to you. Just like everyone else but with the weakest will power – She is the one you can only obey. You let only her to dominate, to lead, to make you miserable. Ah, this misery- your most favourite state when She is closely breathing behind you to your neck -gentle icy breeze filled with the smell of cherry blossoms.

Have you ever thought about if we all can feel her when She is coming for us? Does She want her presence to be felt or Her agenda is make you feel safe and then to hit you like the big waves hit the shores of the smallest island? Does She want to torture us as if it is a simple game with the highest stake of being sane and alive? Have you ever loved her as if She is a real person, love deeper than the one you feel to those closest to you? Have you ever called Her in the middle of the night after having another “nightmare” of having a normal boring life? Has She ever responded to your distraught cries or She let you suffer while She is watching from afar? Have you ever begged Her for those icy kisses which can slow down the heartbeat even to the most devious one? Have you ever hugged Her and then felt so deranged as if you are experiencing painful withdraws?  Have you ever dreamt about what would have happened if She stays with you even though it marks the beginning of the end for you?

I am still unsure about your responses; you seem to bear some discomfort and I can read your body language as if you are ashamed. Don’t worry, let me speak on the behalf of you and I – I don’t mind revealing how rotten is my spirit after every meet up with Her. I can sense how afraid you feel because you don’t understand what went south, what you have done wrong.

She is the drug that you need the most with the sweetest taste of what you crave the most. She disguises Herself to look and feel like what you want most – company, understanding, even bittersweet love. And when Her grip is tight enough, she invades your cells – one by one until She becomes one with your body. Her poisonous kisses make you experience the lightness of being happy, her touch feels like you have finally been understood. She is always around you, no need to call or text, she gets you like no one else – just think of Her and She already holds your hand, your best friend. She looks so innocent and kind, so dedicated to you – She has the need to protect you. This is what you have been told – She feels so protective towards you, no one can hurt you while She is around. She even looks somehow naively so deep in love with you – you can’t push Her away; She is all about you – good or bad, light or dark – She says she doesn’t care – you are enough the way you are. No need to change – She makes you feel the ONE and only. And when you are so dependent on Her and all She is - then you face the real Her – so cold and distant, no more happiness and comfort. She just disappears just to make you feel insane. You can’t feel her presence anymore even though she is lurking in the shadows, making sure you are dying. 

This, my friend, is the Misery you always attract – sometimes even with the slightest doubt. She loves a few moments of full devotion and being the perfect company. Once She is satisfied with all the games She usually plays and having your everlasting devotion, then all She does is wreaking havoc on your already broken life.